Comedians of Old
The Three Stooges - Shemp took the place of Curly after his death
Typical Jokes from British Comedians
II feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. Bernard Manning
'He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.'
'I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.' Bob Monkhouse
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy." Spike Milligan
Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
“Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." Ken Dodd
“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.” Billy Connolly
“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.” Billy Connolly
“The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?” Billy Connolly
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' Tommy Cooper
'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.
Tommy Cooper
"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance" Frank Carson
" So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'" Frank Carson
"My next door neighbour said "Is it O.K. if I use your lawnmower?" I replied, "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden!" Chic Murray
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you". Chic Murray
