Humerous Quotes.and One-Liners
from
Humerous People
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. He who hesitates is a damned fool.
His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.
I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.
. My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
There`s one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "Yes," you know he is a crook.
I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the the set I go into the other room and read a book.
She got her good looks from her father - he`s a plastic surgeon.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Anybody who doesn`t like this book is healthy.
(Commenting on Oscar Levant`s book , `Memoirs of an Amnesiac`
I didn`t like the play, but then I saw it in adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.
Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. All art is quite useless.
British Comedian
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
A joke is a very serious thing.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.
Put downs in the House of Commons;
Lady Astor to Churchill, "If you were my husband I would poison your tea."
Churchill to her, "If you were my wife I`d` drink it."
Bessie Braddock to him, "Man you are drunk."
His reply, "Madam you are ugly. In the morning I`ll be sober."
