Scottish Jokes

Only a Scots person can understand them

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says. "Can you come and

get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain." "Okay"

says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?" And the girl says: "from

the top of my head right down to my knickers".

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan" she replies.

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor

wullie.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's

awa' noo.

After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be

wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate."Oh, she'll be

wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer? The

dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a

telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plumy voice: "is

there money in the box?" "Naw, it's just me," he replies.

When getting ready to go out, a wee wifey says to her husband "Shug, do

you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he says "that's why

I love you like a doo."

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon the goes to Aviemore for it's holidays? A

skean doo.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there

is a lace missing. "No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says

Taiwan".

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep

farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you get off of my cloud". And the

Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLoud, get off of ma sheep".

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly bast***.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for

the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle

accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Lau Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked.

"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at

the next stop," he says. "Good, and what would you do if you couldn't

get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August."

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives

make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argle Street when

e spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up?" he

asks.

"Piston broke", he replies. "Aye, same as masel...."